My rant against 100-inch TVs; the four-star penchant Aventho 300; being the only Scot in this team during the World Cup. I had many conflicting opinions during my time at What is Hi-Fi?.
But recently, a phrase escaped my lips that made every other home cinema reviewer in the group stop in their tracks: I hate summer.
Not a character from him The OC (one of the best parts of millennial’s favorite teen drama), I’m talking about the season.
Why? Because the small benefits it brings – BBQs, excuses to visit the park, etc – don’t make up for the fact that it destroys one of my favorite things. Mostly, I watch movies in my home cinema.
How are the two connected? With three major factors driving my neurotic battle over the summer.
The first is the obvious one; the heat. My home theater is not very good. I live in a small Victorian one-story house in the third arrondissement, London. So as I said before, a proper long-throw projector and multi-speaker Dolby Atmos setup is too big to fit reasonably into my cinema room.
Instead, upstairs, in my converted bedroom, I have a Hisense PX3 UST, connected to a JBL Bar 1300 sound bar system. That puts you somewhere between a basic TV setup and what our tech editor, Ketan Bharadia, would like to call a “proper home cinema”.
And among all the other seasons, I am happy about it. The wireless satellite speakers and subwoofer do a decent job of bringing movies to life and provide a good sense of high-quality direction in a basic single soundbar package. And the UST’s 120-inch projector image sounds great and a step up from the tiny 48-inch LG C2 in my living room.
So, most weekends, when the wife is out, I’ll sneak up, put on my Ninja Turtles pajamas and indulge in watching a serious movie.
During the summer, that delicious meal for me becomes a test of patience, both for me and for the hardware in the room. Home cinema hardware is starting to heat up. But because I’ve had to put everything upstairs, mine also works in a room that’s automatically warmer than the rest of the house, even with the curtains closed and the window open.
So, by the time I make it through the 90-minute feature, I’ve often turned into a slimy beast, one that’s become one with the sofa – and that’s if the hardware has lasted that long. Often, the projector will overheat and need a shutdown before my metamorphosis is complete.
And the simplest and most popular solution among the group of this problem, the air conditioning unit, is difficult for several reasons. First, because like all life Captain Planet supporter and proud Planetee, I don’t like to use them (they are not good for the environment).
Second, because even if I did, they are loud. It’s so loud that every unit I’ve tested has sounded loud enough to distract me from what’s playing – it’s loud enough to linger in the back of your mind, like a toddler crying in the distance.
And we’re talking about little kids…
Summer time brings summer holidays. Many think that this time is good, it gives children time to be children. And I appreciate that. But as an uncle and repeat godfather, it sounds like he’s a citizen of Argos after the gods unleashed the Kraken.
The little monsters, who come down to you as tired, angry parents willingly surrender my wife and I to babysitting duties, regardless of our protests. “Oh, okay,” they said. “Just put something else Bluey in that home cinema room, and they’ll be fine,” they said.
My home theater is my fortress of solitude and it’s built for the best of things Bluey…
But more importantly, young summer seedlings are the most dangerous species. It’s warm, it’s weird, it’s full of ice lollies and caffeinated drinks. I have been sugar bombed by many of my “friends” and family over the years.
Editor’s note: Sugar bombing is when you turn your child into a living bomb, load it up with treats, wiggle it, and throw it at the babysitter just as their pupils begin to dilate.
The destructive forces of nature have the supernatural power to do two things: destroy expensive home cinema hardware and stay a little stuck, no matter how many times you make them wash their hands.
In fact, the last time I babysat, I left the room for two minutes while they happily watched They are not bad and returned to the chaos. Jam was smeared on their little hands and most of the room, including the projector glass, even though I didn’t have any jam in the house and the kids were “clean” before I went to get them some juice.
It’s a mystery I haven’t solved. Was it in their pockets? Is jam-making out of thin air a superpower that all five-year-olds have? I need to know!
It’s this powerful combination of factors that makes me hate the summer season and wish we could skip it and go back to the home cinema-friendly winter months. Call me a grump all you want, but you know I’m right.
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